Late on Friday night, 25-year-old Jon Kissel was apprehended by police for possessing 192 baggies of heroin. Two passersby had found the drunken, unconscious man in the street and escorted him to a porch.
This just in: the two passersby planted the heroin on Kissel’s body. Desperate for more interesting blog posts, these two passersby were Davis Shaver and Eli Glazier of Onward State!
Let’s take a look at their usual bland content… Overheard on Twitter? UPUA election news? To spice up the State College happenings, these two desperate men took matters into their own hands.
As police cuffed Shaver outside his dorm room, he whimpered, “I strive to expand Onward State’s readership. Many of you students find drug use and police reports entertaining, so Eli and I decided to reach out to yall.”
That Friday night, Shaver and Glazier scoured the streets of State College in search of a potential drunken victim, and their eyes landed on Jon Kissel. The frenzied bloggers inserted the heroin into Kissel’s pocket and called the police.
Many questions still exist. Who ratted them out? A fellow Onward Stater?
Where did these young men obtain such a stockpile of heroin? Current evidence points to Drug Baroness Kate McMahon, but additional details are still to come.
Finally, what other crimes have Shaver and Glazier “created” for more daily blog hits? When that car blasted through the Chemistry Building Saturday night, was a gun-toting Glazier present in the passenger seat? An investigation is currently underway.
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About the Author
Do you yearn for cigarette ash-dusted grilled cheeses from “quintessential shithole” Grillers? Or a night out at G-Man with your old frat bros? Or have evenings of drinking felt incomplete ever since Canyon moved across Beaver and got rid of its sticky blue picnic tables?
Five individuals who are not Penn State graduates but who have worked for the betterment of the university have been named this year’s Honorary Alumni Award recipients.
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