Ragland-Smith Disqualified; Keirans to Return
In a surprise move last night, the UPUA Election Commission disqualified election winners Christian Ragland and Colleen Smith for unfairly playing the experience card, as well as runners-up David Adewumi and Devin Weakland for not playing the inexperience card. Echoing New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, outgoing President Gavin Keirans has forced through legislation that will allow for him to stay on as UPUA President for a third term, despite his impending graduation.
Keirans stated in an interview last night that, “I’m looking forward to coming back next year and hopefully actually accomplishing something. We’ve laid the groundwork over the past two years that I’ve been President, but frankly, I didn’t think that the two candidates would be able to make anything of it. I’m very much so looking forward to ‘telegoverning’ from my job in corporate America. I feel that with today’s advances in communication, I’ll really be able to keep a good pulse on the student body through Penn State Live.”
Christian Ragland stated that he was flabbergasted at his disqualification, stating, “I thought that in campaigns you needed experience. I would never have imagined that using my experience to my advantage would have frowned upon. I guess I should have studied Congress a little bit more before I began my campaign.”
David Adewumi voiced disappointment that there would be no coronation for Ragland after putting in so much hard work to prepare for it. “I had to go down to Burger King to pick up the crown. Do you know how far away that place is?!”
Elections Commissioner Nick Mance said, “Though it was a tough decision for the committee, we figured we’d spice things up, since the UPUA has been pretty boring lately. Who wants to sit through a 3 hour meeting on Wednesdays?”
In keeping with that logic, Keirans stated that he planned to initiate “Gladiator Fights to the Death” next semester. This will raise tuition significantly, but Keirans stated, “It’s a small price to pay to see the noblest and most honorable of Penn Staters prove their worth to me while I sit in my ivory tower as a servant feeds grapes to me one by one.”