State College Borough Disbands Greeks
In an astonishing move last night, the State College Borough Council voted 4-3 to declare that no structure bearing Greek letters could be home to more than five unrelated people, effectively eliminating off-campus fraternities at Penn State. The irony of their timing was palpable to the council members, but they did not mean for the policy to be viewed as a joke.
“It was unfeasible to punish all students, so we thought, ‘What the hell? We’d just target the worst ones,'” said Peter Morris, a member of the council.
The policy goes into effect on May 15. In a statement, President Graham Spanier said he supported the council’s decision and would do his part to mirror the progress on the sorority side by breaking up sorority floor housing in the general interest of the student body. Dr. Spanier hinted at allowing sorority women to stay with him while moves are finalized. He said it wouldn’t be creepy because he sleeps with students every year, so “it’s cool”.
Though Mayor Elizabeth Goreham was against the ordinance, she recognized the will of the people. “With so much money seemingly gone to waste, it’s easy to feel angry to the cause of it, and to want to try to get rid of it.”
The measure has obviously angered the Greek community. Malcolm Russo, a self-described “Greek enthusiast”, was outraged, saying, “I can’t believe they’re getting rid of Greek life! How the hell do they expect me to meet women now?”
Max Wendkos was unavailable for comment at the time of press. Sources say he was busy replacing his Twitter/Collegian/Onward State/ CDT file photo with a less artistic portrait.