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UPUA to Expand Assembly to Rep Drinkers

The UPUA announced today that they will be forming a new representative body within the Assembly, made up of both on and off-campus students that are known by their friends to be “champion drinkers.”  The initiative is the latest move by the UPUA to try to control the dangerous drinking habits of Penn State students. Recently, they found that oppression is not the answer, and thus they formed the committee in their attempts to assimilate those of the heavy drinking community into the student government.  They will be responsible for representing the drunk mess students that plague the campus and invent drinking holidays.

The drinking culture of the student body has long gone underrepresented in the student government, and newly elected President Christian Ragland feels it’s time to give those drunk bastards a voice.

“It’s about #&*%ing time we got some representat-shin-in-in in the OoPwa, we’re always being persecutered for our actions,” said John Walker, who spoke to Onward State while relieving himself on the side of a building downtown.

But some UPUA members feel this is a bad move and could open up the doors to drug addicts and other banes of society who feel that they are underrepresented too. One member even said that he was approached by a very hyper Adderall fiend in the library, asking when those who take obscene amounts of prescription drugs would be able to lend their hand in the student government.

While most drug heads will probably forget about this initiative altogether once they wake up tomorrow, student drinkers are dead set on representation and are even planning to stage a sober rally on the HUB lawn, in which they bring kegs of O’Douls.

The leader of the movement, Timmy Manbear, had this to say:

We will fight for our rights to drink at college and we will not stand for any more of the persecution that we experienced this year! The sober rally will be the first time many of us have been sober in months and the violent withdrawal symptoms should be more than enough to get our message across.

Qualifications include being able to finish a crate race in less than 10 minutes, shot-gunning at least 5 beers in a row, and excellent beer pong skills. While drinking skills are considered, what is most important is a candidate’s ability to act out their representative position while under the influence.

To apply, go to


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About the Author

Tom Kent

I was born in Virginia Beach, raised in Westfield, NJ, went to college at Penn State, moved to Miami, FL. Peruvian on mom's side and English on my Dad's. I'm a Journalism major and Political Science minor. I do not currently own any reptiles.


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