Last week, Graham Spanier released (and subsequently blueballed us with) a preview of his State of the University address. After many sleepless nights and cold showers, the day finally arrived on Friday. Penn Staters everywhere awoke to an email from G-Span himself. Grab a clean pair of pants, and without further ado, the State of the University:

00:21 — If there’s one thing that gets me more excited than a G-Span video it’s…a series of G-Span videos.

00:56 — I like that the girl who says “unified” is standing by herself…in front of an empty field…with no one around.

01:32 — Oh G-Span, how do you get your hair-helmet to look so shimmery and perfect?

02:00 — If I had to pick one word to describe students in 2010 it would be…rabid.

02:22 — And the Princeton Review ranked us the third best party school. Just saying.

03:28 — Excessive alcohol consumption > national security issues.

04:18 — Chief Roberts– rename Beaver Stadium Paterno Stadium.

05:38 — Unequaled spirit in volleyball and fencing?

06:21 — AKA give us money! How else can we raise money? I like the idea of tuition increases.

Wow G-Span. Yet another shining example of why they pay you the big bucks. I couldn’t watch more than that first six and a half minutes, and anyone who can is more a man than I will ever be. Excuse me while I go change.