An Open Letter To Danny O’Brien
Let me start off by saying that you looked simply dashing in that Penn State jacket you wore to practice yesterday. Don’t take this the wrong way or anything, but you’re a vision in blue and white.
Anyway, here’s the deal. Nothing against those other schools you’ve visited, but they don’t really compare to Penn State. To quote our school’s all-time leading receiver, current Seattle Seahawk Deon Butler, “we are not normal.”
Let me ask you this, Danny. Where else can you play in front of over 100,000 fans in the prestigious Big Ten conference? What’s that, you say? No, Wisconsin sucks. Don’t go there. Have you seen the girls in Wisconsin? Please. Anyway, where else will you see dozens of tents pop up next to the stadium in anticipation of every game? Where else will you find top academic programs mixed with one of the best, ahem, extracurricular scenes in the country? Dude, we call the place Happy Valley. What’s not to like?!
Now, as you may have noticed at practice, our quarterback situation at the moment, to put it nicely, kind of sucks. In case you didn’t know, our returning starter sometimes has trouble remembering which color jersey he’s wearing and missed our bowl game due to a concussion sustained from fighting another teammate. His primary competition, once a former starter himself, has digressed to the point where he might not be able to hit your old coach from 10 yards away, while the third-stringer hasn’t thrown a pass at Beaver Stadium since the 2010 Blue-White Game. Needless to say, while BOB won’t hand you the job, it’s certainly yours for the taking.
I understand you may have concerns about Penn State’s history with pro-style quarterbacks like yourself. However, a new era has dawned in Happy Valley, one led by a guy thought highly enough to coach Tom Brady the past two seasons. YOU COULD BE OUR TOM BRADY, DANNY.
Okay, okay, sorry, coming on too strong there, I know. It’s just that, you see, we’ve never quite felt like this before. You’re not really our type. We used to see transfers as flighty, and we’ll admit it, we were scared to commit. Funny, right? We had the same coach for decades, yet still have commitment issues. But, damn it, you complete us, Danny. IF I’M A LION, DANNY, THEN YOU’RE A LION.
Look, Danny, yesterday we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you’re getting in that huddle with Silas where you belong.
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