Now that the Olympics are over, your fix for absurd and/or extreme sporting events may need some serious quenching. Have no fear, as Onward State has you covered with a version of the winter games you can play right here in State College.

Icy Shortlidge Road Sperry/High Heel Hike
Hiking up Shortlidge from downtown is an adventure unlike any other on an icy morning. The sidewalks on campus may be heated, but that meltdown produces some pretty slippery surfaces, and during a storm there isn’t a worse place to walk. In this event, designed for both men and women, aspiring frat stars and sorority girls will start at the bottom of an frozen Shortlidge road, and whoever makes it from the bottom at College Avenue to the top at Curtin Road in a pair of their finest Sperrys or 5″ Heels is the winner.

English 15/CAS 100 Absurd Essay Competition
The most cerebral of the events, inspired by a story about a kid who wrote his English 15 essay about his girlfriend’s boobs (and passed), the object of this event is to write either a CAS speech or English 15 essay on the most absurd topic possible and receive a passing grade. Weights will be put to both the insanity of the topic and the grade. If you can top the story idea we included, you’ll be in pole position for a medal.

Sidewalk Cycling
Everyone hates sidewalk cyclists. This is an indisputable fact. So what if we turned this act of hubris into an act of sport? The idea of this would be to ride from one end of Pollock Road to the other on a sidewalk in the shortest time, weaving through foot traffic all the way. Penalties for hitting a pedestrian or falling off, and no riding in the street. I mean, why would anyone ever ride a bike anywhere BUT a sidewalk?

Winter White Loop Dogpile
Trying to get on the White Loop within a half hour before a popular class time? 9:45, 11:15, and 12:20 are particularly brutal, and trying to pack every last person into those CATA busses is as much an art as it is a science. In this event, teams attempt to pile as many people as they can onto a White Loop at its two most notorious locations (The Meridian and the Library), and having the most people wins. Bonus points if you can get the driver to let you pack the bus beyond the line.

HUB Construction Snowball Fight
Dodgeball is a staple of PSU media, and we want to share that tradition with the world. At the next big snow, have a massive snowball fight inside the HUB construction zone. Watch out for wrought iron and broken glass snowballs; they’re the ultimate weapon in these fights. If all else fails, take the high ground and throw snowballs from the crane. Totally safe.

IM Pond (Street) Hockey
Hockey is always the biggest draw of the Winter Olympics. The Winter Classic/Stadium Series in the NHL is always a huge draw. This should be obvious. Take a page from Hey Arnold and bust open the fire hydrants on College Avenue and let em freeze. Boom, hockey rinks for days. Make it a round robin tournament and have spectators line the streets, and we have ourselves an incredible tradition and spectator event.

Special thanks to Erroll Davis and Katelyn Dandrea for contributing ideas to this post.