If you are ever curious about what kind of crimes and calls are happening on campus and downtown, Penn State Police Scanner is one interesting way to find out. You can follow its Facebook or Twitter, or you can listen to the police scanner yourself by going to psuscanner.com.

Though none of these gems top our list of the weirdest crimes that have gone down in Happy Valley, some of the police scanner’s reports are just too ridiculous to not share.

From a couple getting freaky on a park bench to a killer squirrel, here are seven of the top posts and recordings from the Penn State Police Scanner.

1. #notTheCupcakes

#notTheCupcakes should be trending worldwide. Such a waste.

 

2. He’s Fallen And He Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop

Let’s just hope this guy had his Life Alert with him.

 

3. We Didn’t Start The Fire

The matter of fact wording for these fire alarm posts just kills me. It’s as if the police are saying, “This is bullshit. I came out here for this?”

PD just responded to a dorm’s fire alarm going off. It was just a female drying her hair.

— PSU Police Scanner (@PSUscanner) May 2, 2014

PD responding to 421 Simmons for a fire alarm.

— PSU Police Scanner (@PSUscanner) May 6, 2014

Burnt popcorn is to blame.

— PSU Police Scanner (@PSUscanner) May 6, 2014

 

4. She’s A Super Freak

The Schlow Library has been a hub for incident activity this semester, but before this 68-year old man alleged masturbated in a stairwell over the weekend, there was this PDA couple on Oct. 3:

At 0:14: “Male, female getting intimate on a park bench in front of the library… Female topless, both are Asian.”

 

5. Yakkity Yak

Yik Yak has been extremely useful to the police this semester, especially in getting to the bottom of the HUB shooting threat posted on the social media app. But after the football team’s win at Rutgers earlier this season, the police watched Yik Yak quite closely during post game celebrations.

At 0:10: “Are you watching Yik Yak?”

At 0:13: “Not right now, I’m driving. Should I be?”

At 0:20: “I don’t know, but I’m moving to Old Main.”

At 0:25: “Okay, but if you can, can you keep an eye on it for us?”

At 0:29: “10-4”

 

6. Paterno Library’s One-Man Mifflin Streak

Pictures were only vital to identifying the man, of course.

 

7. The Slasher Squirrel

I saved the best for last — if you haven’t listened to the squirrel manhunt call on the police scanner, you should. The last twenty seconds are hilarious, as the police prepare to hunt down this mighty squirrel so that it doesn’t strike down anyone else with its mighty scratch.

Let’s just hope it wasn’t Sneezy.

At 1:35: “Just so you’re aware, the squirrel ran south.”

At 1:44: “Is that a gray squirrel or a red squirrel?”

At 1:48: “Believe it will be a gray squirrel.”

At 1:53: “One crossed up here by the library.”