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Ten Bold Penn State Predictions for 2015

Here at Onward State, we sometimes like to pretend we’re soothsayers or Magic 8 Balls or something, and we believe we can predict the future. From football games in the fall to the entire year of 2014, the takes are hot, and, usually, completely wrong. Since I have no problem looking like an idiot because of things I say on the internet, I decided to take a chance myself and come up with my own predictions for the year 2015. Feel free to bookmark this and laugh in my face when I’m proven wrong.

1. Penn State basketball will win the NCAA tournament.

Sure, it would be easy to pick them to make the tournament, and say that’s bold enough, but that would be too easy. Sure, the conference season hasn’t started the way anyone would like, but who’s to say that things won’t turn around? The tough part is getting to the tournament, because once you’re in, all you need is six straight wins and you’re gold. If they can shoot better, defend better, pass better, and force more turnovers, this team may have a chance.

2. The Beatles will perform at Movin’ On.

“But Mike, half of them are dead, and that would be really expensive and–” I don’t want to hear your dumb excuses, this is going to happen.

3. Something noteworthy will happen at the Blue and White game, but you won’t remember it.

There’ll be a cool play, or an injury, or maybe the Nittany Lion will even have an extra special performance, or line up for a few snaps as a running back. Someone might even parachute into the stadium while firing a t-shirt cannon, while someone else parachutes next to him throwing dollar bills around the stadium — but let’s be real, you’ll either be blacked out in the stadium, tailgating during the game, or too apathetic to go at all.

4. State Patty’s Day will be declared a real, town-wide holiday.

The borough of State College will try a new State Patty’s killing tactic, completely supporting the student-made holiday, hoping that it will have the same effect as parents joining Facebook. The plan will predictably backfire, leading to a weekend of drinking and shenanigans that will go down in history. It will also lead to the holiday’s complete and utter destruction in 2016.

5. Joe Paterno’s wins will be restored on April 9, leading to the best day of business in the history of 409 Pizza and Wings.

Students, townies, and visitors alike will flock to the pizza place to celebrate the reinstating of the coach’s wins, opting for symbolism over taste.

6. The Lion Shrine will actually get up and move, like in that terrifying commercial.

As a resident of West Halls, this one particularly scares me. Is it likely? No. Is it impossible? Probably. Am I really just putting it on this list because I know that most of these won’t happen and I want this to not happen? You can’t prove that.

7. Tuition will decrease.

Lol jk, even I’m not crazy enough to think this is going to happen.

8. James Franklin will finally get those super cool eye contacts in real life for the football team.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about:

Some people may say that it would be really creepy, but seriously, how could you lose games with literal Lion Eyes? I’m in favor of it.

9. THON will raise a lot of money.

Just so I get at least one right.

10. Mark Emmert will issue a personally apology to Penn State.

With the recent speculation of Joe Paterno’s 111 win restoration and the NCAA’s withdrawal of the sanctions last year, it should be safe to say that Mark Emmert may finally admit he overstepped his authority. Then again, most of these predictions are completely ridiculous.

Photo by Bobby Chen/Onward State

About the Author

Mike Reisman

is a senior Supply Chain Management major with an Economics minor (Read: Business Douche) from South Jersey. He has an intense fear of graduating so please don't bring it up. He writes about stupid things nobody cares about, and student life if the site is low on content that is clearly supposed be funny but is really very unfunny. He is lovingly (?) known around the staff as Baby Mike which may or may not be because he has a child (hint: it’s not). He’s also a second generation Penn Stater who has been wearing Penn State sweatshirts since before he was two, a habit he hasn’t grown out of. If you really hate yourself, you can follow him on twitter at @mike_reisman or email him at [email protected]

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