Your 2016 New Year’s Resolutions — Penn State Style
Spring semester brings many new things: New classes, friends, activities, weather, and of course, a new year in general.
With a new year comes the infamous New Year resolutions: a chance to start fresh and attempt to become a better person. Many people may swear by a new fitness plan, or perhaps a cleaner diet. Others may work towards achieving a better GPA or landing a job. However, these resolutions are boring and cliché, so we compiled a new list. Here are some resolutions you and your 50,000 closest friends can swear by. Behold: your 2016 New Year Resolutions — Penn State Style.
1. Eat Less Canyon Pizza
Improve your beach body by limiting your Canyon pizza intake. Can’t live without it? Instead of going cold turkey, allow yourself one slice a night rather than two. As for ranch? Eh, keep the ranch.
2. Drink Less Vlad
Less Vladimir vodka will most likely lead to less Canyon Pizza consumption in the long run. If you’re a freshman, however, we’ll let you slide, although really, this Russian Devil’s water should never be your go-to.
3. Be Smart About Meal Points
Don’t keep stocking up on snacks and ridiculously overpriced food at Good 2 Go or The Mix, your meal points will vanish in no time. The days of spending upwards of $15 of points at Beaver Stadium on drunken chicken baskets and over-priced drinks are in the past, so you’ll already have a head start on this one. Utilize the dining halls and be smart about your carry out food items. Maybe smuggle out two bananas instead of one if you’re feeling particularly sneaky.
4. Actually Go To Class
It’s easy to blow off a class once in awhile to sleep in or relax. Sometimes it’s the smart choice if you remain productive. However, if you’re just skipping your lectures because attendance isn’t taken, think again. You’re paying for every class you skip, and hey, you never know what you’ll learn or who you’ll strike up a conversation with.
5. Take The Cata Bus Less And Walk More
The buses always end up jam packed and filthy during the winter. Skip it and get some exercise, it may take a little extra time, but your body will thank you, even if the professors of the classes you’re late for won’t.
6. Order Less Wings Over, And Delivery Food In General
7. Stop Feeding The Squirrels
Pausing and smiling at their fluffy cuteness is fine, and even encouraged, but you have places to be and things to do. For all we know, squirrels have New Year’s resolutions to lose weight too, so give them a hand. Save the nuts.
8. Argue Less With The Willard Preacher
It may be tempting to snap back at the Willard Preacher out of sheer boredom. But will that really get you anywhere?
9. Actually Try to Prepare Your Body for THON 2016
This includes halting your alcohol and caffeine consumption completely — no matter how much it hurts your soul — especially if you’re dancing. Be smart, you want to be as healthy as possible during the big weekend.
10. Win More Than Seven Games a Year
No explanation needed.
So there you have it, your guide to a fantastic new semester — the Penn State way.
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About the Author
Students once approved a Wally Triplett statue that Penn State’s bureaucracy prevented from ever coming to fruition.
Rednor is current a junior and the president of Zeta Tau Alpha sorority.
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