Each Branch Campus To Send Two Representatives For ‘The Commonwealth Games’

The end of the spring semester at University Park lacks the excitement of the rest of the year. Penn State’s administration agrees, and in order to keep students, faculty, and staff entertained and interested in life at the university throughout the remainder of the semester, Penn State announced it will host its first annual “Commonwealth Games.”

Inspired by the widely popular novel “The Hunger Games,” the winner-take-all death match will serve not only to entertain those at University Park but also to make sure students and faculty at Commonwealth Campuses know their place on the Penn State totem pole.

Each of Penn State’s 24 Commonwealth Campuses is responsible for sending one male and one female tribute to the University Park campus by the end of next week, including World Campus, which is permitted to send two remote-controlled robots in place of actual humans.

President Barron, who reportedly dyed his hair a flaming magenta and planted a garden full of blue and white roses, will host the tributes at the Schreyer House leading up to the Games. The tributes will use their early days at Main Campus to train alongside Penn State’s Division I athletes and upper-level scholars in order to learn how to survive and take care of themselves at the university’s premier, destination campus. The night before the Commonwealth students are let free to kill one another for the entertainment of University Park students, staff, and administration, there will be a parade of tributes down Beaver Avenue and a banquet at Old Main.

As far as the actual Games, tributes will start in varying East Halls dorms before they are let loose to run, hide, kill, or scour the HUB for supplies and weapons. Old Main’s bell will toll once each time a tribute dies or, more likely, is violently murdered.

Some campuses have already elected their tributes, including “career” training campuses like Altoona and Harrisburg.

“People joke and say I’m only at Altoona because I couldn’t get into Main or I wanted to save some money,” Altoona’s male tribute Steve said. “I really selected Altoona to give myself the opportunity to train for these Games and volunteer as Altoona’s first career tribute.”

For students at some of Penn State’s smaller campuses, getting your name pulled is more dreadful than anything. Reports from Penn State Mont Alto say that when a pledge from the campus’ only sorority was selected, her big stepped up to protect her from imminent demise.

“She’s just a baby,” Mont Alto’s female tribute Melissa said after volunteering to come to University Park to fight to the death.

Twenty-four campuses means 48 tributes, which will surely leave a lot of blood and destruction to clean up. Though this will be a lot of additional work for OPP when the Games are over, the workers don’t mind. “We’re excited to see which campus comes out on top,” one OPP maintenance worker said. “Me and Joe over in construction got ourselves a little bet going. Pull through for me, Shenango!”

While Main Campus students and State College residents are excited to watch and even wager on the bloodbath, there are reports circulating that some of the university’s smaller campuses are attempting to unionize to take down the University Park administration. Students who have friends at branch campuses reported seeing Snapchat stories of their friends holding up three fingers, but instead of whistling they sang “Penn State Lives Here.”

University Park students, faculty, and staff will be able to watch the games live on TV or from atop Old Main. The university plans to utilize the secret underground network of tunnels (that we all suspected existed all along) to move Main Campus students and professors from their dorms and apartments to classes and extracurricular activities, including clubs meetings, the gym, and frat parties.

May the best campus come out on top, and may the odds be ever in your favor, Penn State.

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About the Author

Lexi Shimkonis

Lexi is an editor-turned-staff writer who can often be found at either Irving's or the Phyrst (with the chances she'll have her backpack being the same). Lexi is a senior hailing from Spring City, PA (kind of) and studying Civil Engineering. Please email questions and/or pleas for an Instagram caption to [email protected], or for a more intimate bond, follow her on Twitter @lexshimko.

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