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Onward Investigation: JoePa Statue Sightings

“One eyewitness weighs more than ten hearsays. Seeing is believing, all the world over.” – Titus Maccius Plautus, Truculentus, Act II, sc. 6, line 8.

It’s been one year since Onward State’s last JoePa statue update, and we are proud to announce that we have made some major advancements in our search. The Onward State staff has worked tirelessly for you, the folks, to search for and recover the Joe Paterno statue.

We’ve scoured everywhere from our own backyards to the “New Horizons.” And while some may say “it’s in storage” or “it’s gone forever,” our exclusive findings hint otherwise.

British Isles

JOEPA LOCH NESS

It appears Our Coach might be in a large body of water. The following photo was taken by Onward State staff writer Patrick Koerbler on a drunken trip to Ireland and the British Isles. While relaxing on his row boat drinking some good ol’ Paterno beer, Koerbler noticed a familiar object in the distance. He immediately took out his incredibly shitty camera and snapped a photo. Patrick wanted to investigate further, but soon realized that he had no idea how to pilot a boat, nor did he know how he ended up in a row boat in the middle of the British Isles.

Pacific Northwest Wilderness

JOEPA BIGFOOT

The next Joe sighting comes to us all the way from the Pacific Northwest. Onward State staff hiker Drew Klingenberg was taking a stroll down a woodsy trail when he couldn’t believe his eyes. Before Klingenberg could investigate any further, he reportedly became overwhelmed with the feeling that he was destined to do great things, and he single-handedly broke the THON fundraising total with $409 million in 61 hours.

Pluto

nh-stereo

Our third and final sighting comes to us via NASA. During a fly-by of Pluto, the New Horizons spacecraft captured this image and recorded abnormally high levels of success, as well as an outstandingly heightened amount of honor. Upon further inspection, NASA discovered this bit on the image:

JOEPA PLUTO

Well, if there is one thing we can confirm from this investigation, it’s that it appears as though nothing in this universe can cover up 61 years of success with honor.

About the Author

Alex Bauer

Alex graduated in Spring 2018 with a major in Corporate Innovation and Entrepreneurship. He was a first generation Penn Stater from Cheshire, Connecticut along with his two sisters. His favorite things are dogs, coffee, and dogs that shoot hot jets of coffee out of their mouths. If you are Mad Online™ about something Alex wrote on the internet, you can send him threatening emails at [email protected], or harass him on Snapchat and Instagram @TheAlexBauer.

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