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Cael Sanderson Reveals The Secret To Wrestling’s Dynasty: Creamery Ice Cream

Penn State wrestling coach Cael Sanderson sat down for an exclusive interview with Onward State following his team’s historic eighth national championship in nine years to discuss the basics of dynasty building. He walked us through his unorthodox methods, which have brought him great success in Happy Valley.

“Ice cream,” Sanderson said flatly. “It’s the fucking ice cream.”

It might have been the very last thing anyone expected Sanderson to credit for his success at Penn State, but it was the answer I got. Forget high level recruiting, the outstanding coaching staff, the pure existence of Jason Nolf — it’s the ice cream.

It all starts in the offseason. Sanderson feeds his wrestlers ice cream from the Berkey Creamery by the half-gallon to help them bulk up as a part of the team’s intense strength building program. The calcium-rich ice cream also gives Penn State’s wrestlers superior bone strength heading into the season.

Sanderson’s offseason regimen emphasizes the rigidness of the body’s bone structure as the key to gaining leverage over one’s opponent. It comes from the exact opposite school of thought of Tom Brady’s TB12 system, which focuses on pliability for peak performance and injury prevention. We could debate which program is more successful, but Tom Brady hasn’t won eight of the last nine Super Bowls.

In addition to developing tremendous bone strength, Sanderson’s wrestlers also become dependent on the ice cream in the offseason. Then, in the last few weeks leading up to the season, he completely deprives them of their creamery fix. According to Sanderson, this is the secret to peak athletic performance.

“The body performs better in this ice cream-deprived state. The shock of removing ice cream from the wrestlers’ daily diets makes them extremely irritable, which gives them a huge competitive edge on the mat,” Sanderson explained.

Remember that time Bo Nickal flipped Myles Martin? Pure ice cream-deprived rage.

The prize for winning is great for Sanderson’s Nittany Lions. With each individual win a wrestler picks up, he gets a scoop of his favorite ice cream. Sanderson even throws in some bonus incentives — an extra half-scoop for a pin and sprinkles for a riding time advantage. This keeps the wrestlers in their peak performance window, craving more ice cream — and victory.

“Jason Nolf would run through a brick wall for a scoop of Death by Chocolate,” Sanderson proclaimed.

Don’t believe it? Just ask Nebraska’s Tyler Berger.

“[Nolf] just got this weird look in his eyes, and he kept mumbling something about — chocolate ice cream? I don’t know, it was weird, dude. I’m just glad I lasted all three periods,” Berger said after losing to Nolf by a major decision the NCAA Finals two weeks ago.

Sanderson does encourage his team to eat his diet-friendly Kale Sanderson flavor, which the creamery introduced two years ago, but apparently, it hasn’t caught on.

“They won’t touch the stuff,” Sanderson laughed. “I might have to start giving it to them as a punishment. Oh well, more for me, I guess.”

Sanderson’s highly unorthodox methods may be a lightning rod for scrutiny, but the results speak for themselves. Even some of his peers have started to take notice.

“I’ve been trying to get Ohio State to open up a creamery for years,” said Buckeyes’ wrestling coach Tom Ryan. “We can never find a way to defeat those ice cream-deprived maniacs.”

I scream, you scream, we all scream for three straight undefeated seasons.

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About the Author

Anthony Fiset

Anthony is a senior *gasp* majoring in Economics and a lifetime Costco Executive Member. If you are an employer, please hire him. Otherwise, direct all complaints to [email protected]

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