What Would Penn State’s Buildings Get On The Rice Purity Test?
We’ve all taken the Rice Purity Test at some point in our lives. Whether you’ve been ashamed about your score or worn it like a badge of honor, it’s hard not to think that your results reflect who you are as a person.
After taking the quiz, naturally, your first thought was probably “I wonder what different Penn State buildings’ Rice Purity Test scores would be.” Kidding, we haven’t thought that either. But wouldn’t it be fun to imagine?
After all, who knows what some of our beloved buildings get up to after dark? I know we’re all dying to find out, so let’s get into it.
Old Main: 93
As one of our most beloved buildings, it’s hard to imagine Old Main would have a low score.
- Held hands romantically?
- Been in a relationship?
- Kissed a non-family member?
Now, that’s not to say Old Main is a prude. It just prefers to take things slow! After its reconstruction in 1930, Old Main knows it’s too good-looking to settle for just any building. If your Rice Purity Test score is lower than 90, your chances of getting it on with Old Main are slim to none.
The Arboretum: 57
Can you think of a more romantic place at Penn State than the Arboretum? I’ll save you some time: you can’t.
- French kissed in public?
- Gone through the motions of intercourse while fully dressed?
- Used marijuana?
Whether you’re visiting with somebody special or heading over for a scenic smoke, the Arboretum just makes you feel something. So, who can say they’re really surprised when people can’t keep it in their pants? Especially with such close proximity to East Halls, where else would you wanna be on a sunny day? Just… be careful when you sit on one of those benches.
Thomas Building: 3
Thomas Building, you’ve been a bad, bad girl…
- Faked sobriety to parents or teachers?
- Had an STI?
- Committed an act of incest?
Of course, we all know Thomas 100 is specifically to blame (and the other, less relevant lecture halls) for a score this low. The Thomas Building has seen it all, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if somebody’s given birth in there at some point, too. Notoriously known for its huge lecture halls, there’s a lot of room for people to let out their worst desires inconspicuously. To the couples who display uncomfortable acts of PDA during class, this one’s for you!
Pattee and Paterno Library: 100
Jam-packed with stressed-out college kids from dawn to dusk, I can’t think of a more sexually unappealing building than the Pattee and Paterno Library.
Seriously, who in their right mind has ever been turned on by stacks of old books? And while the stacks might provide some privacy to get up to no good, a CHEM 110 final waits for no man. Time to break out those flashcards and pretend you aren’t having the worst FOMO from your friends going out without you!
Willard Building: 69
Having a class in Willard is almost a rite of passage.
- Sent a sexually explicit text or instant message?
- Seen or been seen by another person in a sensual context?
- Masturbated to a picture or video?
Unfortunately for the ones who do, I don’t think those floors have ever seen a mop in their life. With smaller, more “intimate” classrooms, there’s not much people can get away with under the watchful eyes of their professors. However, if you’ve seen those grimy bathrooms, you can fill in the blanks on what goes on in there. Where there’s a will, Penn Staters will always find a way.
Open 24 hours, you know the HUB is always down for a good time.
- Danced without leaving room for Jesus?
- Fondled or had your butt cheeks fondled?
- Spent the night with an MPS?
Most of us know the HUB for what it’s like in the day: busy, crowded, and slightly stinky. But at night? It’s a very different story. When you’ve got a huge building full of different halls and rooms, the world is your oyster. It just might be time to pack a sleeping bag and see what all the hype is about yourself. Who knows, your future lover might just be one Panda Express table away.
Bigler Hall (Unrenovated): 0
The oldest hall in East, Bigler Hall wasn’t nicknamed “Dirty Big” for no reason.
- Had two or more distinct acts of sexual intercourse with two or more people within 24 hours?
My advice is that you make like (some) of these buildings and embrace your wild side. I mean, can you say you even went to Penn State if you’re graduating with a score higher than 50?
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About the Author
The Nittany Lions hit the turf in Beaver Stadium for the last time this season on Saturday.
We’re sorry, Penn State student section.
Let’s take a look at how each position group performed against the Scarlet Knights.