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How To Fail Your Finals

I know how you’re feeling. Things are getting pretty hectic right now, your final grade rides on one test, and all your friends are too busy concentrating on their exams to help you out. You can’t focus and you have no idea how you’re going to fail all these finals.

You heard me right. After all, any smart kid can learn something in fifteen weeks and pass a test. But it takes real chutzpah to stand up to the man and refuse to take time out of the day to pay attention or improve yourself. For those brave pioneers, I will give these tips for getting that exam grade way down low.

Consume a dinner consisting only of Four Lokos and McRibs

Before you even get ready to study poorly (if at all), you need to make sure you’re improperly nourished. Luckily, you have alcoholic energy drinks and the return of the McRib to help you. You’ll be wide awake and intoxicated at the same time! You’ll mistakenly study incorrect information for hours and be convinced our seventh president was Harrison Ford by the end of the night. By the time you crash, you might just miss your final altogether! The McRibs are there to make sure the stomach pains and frequent bathroom trips prevent any correct information from getting through.

Listen to YouTube hits, Disney movie soundtracks, or cartoon theme songs

The best studiers listen to calm, catchy music that eases the mind. The worst studiers listen to music that is annoying, distracting, or takes you back to those days when something was way cooler than it is now. Keep listening until you memorize the lyrics and can’t resist humming them even when the music is off. Doing this will guarantee your essay answers will look like this:

The Italian Renaissance was a time of great innovation and cultural awakening in Europe. This was due in no small part to the  contributions of Michelangelo. He was a party dude and offset Raphael’s being cool but rude. Luckily, Leonardo led and Donatello did machines. When the evil Shredder attacked, those turtle boys didn’t cut him no slack. The ensuing battle knocked over the Tower of Pisa and the turtles’ victory is celebrated by eating pizza to this day.

Study by using notes on ANGEL

Let’s face it: If you had taken notes in class, they would likely be drawings of Invader Zim and stories about a man from Nantucket. Since you don’t have those to confuse you, just rely on that classic source of frustrating confusion that has become a Penn State mainstay: ANGEL. While looking for that email the TA sent you back in September saying where the note slides are, you’ll sift through page after page of your classmates spamming the entire course roster with questions about homework, details about the tickets they’re selling to the game against EasyHomeSchedule State, and survey projects from another class. If this doesn’t piss you off enough to quit, that you dared to use ANGEL with Google Chrome soon will. You probably didn’t even get this far because ANGEL says you have close all windows before logging in. If any of this doesn’t happen, ANGEL will be busy becoming one with Skynet (or as it usually known, “undergoing maintenance”). Always remember ANGEL when you have that one exam you just can’t seem to be unprepared for.

Have Wikipedia, Facebook, Twitter, and Onward State available when studying notes on ANGEL

There is the possibility that you might actually be able to focus when looking at online notes. To prevent this, keep The Big Four readily available in multiple tabs. That way you’ll avoid missing your friend Rick’s stories of dropping out of college to pursue a career in indie rock/at Kinko’s. You can then research the history of the founding of Kinko’s. This will inevitably lead to the page on Dallas, Texas. You’ll then have to check the feed of Cowboys’ receiver Miles Austin’s ex-girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, and then check what her sister said about THON earlier this year. And then, soon after clicking on that link over there, you’ll read what I had to say about Iron Man 2. And then you’ll “Like” Robert Downey Jr. You won’t be able to help yourself from looking up the box office gross for Tropic Thunder. This will remind you to tweet about how boss the new Harry Potter was. This will convince you to read the OS story about Penn State’s Quidditch team. Now, what were you originally studying? The hell if I know! Mission accomplished.

About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.


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10 Questions With 2019 Class Gift Director Tom Beeby

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