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HUB Titles: RED

When watching “Red,” it isn’t hard to figure out that the movie likes to think that age is only a number. This film makes you consider your own age in the grand scheme of things. I remember a time when every computer in the neighborhood had dial-up and floppy disks were relevant. It was a simpler time, when MTV played music and Nickelodeon played cartoons. In those days, people actually used phonebooks and teachers told us we would need to know how to use the Dewey Decimal system without any sense of irony. Hell, even iPods haven’t been around that long. “Red” tells the older generation among us that awesomeness and badassery never suffer under the passage of time.

The Premise: “So, I was thinking we get Bruce Willis in here and we make him do a bunch of fights and have explosions basically everywhere. Bruce is a retired CIA operative that has tons of dudes go after him. He also tries to bone this chick half his age played by Mary-Louise Parker and Karl Urban tries to stop him.” “Ok, I think we can do that. It’s a tried and true formula.” “Oh, and we’ll have Helen Mirren shoot dudes with a sniper rifle.” “Helen Mirren? The Helen Mirren that won an Oscar for  “The Queen”? I think you’re getting confused.” “And, like, John Malkovich plays a crazy dude that is Bruce Willis’s sidekick.” “I really don’t think you have a plan for this movie. You’re just shouting names at me.” “No, they’re all a team and they’re RED. Retired and Extremely Dangerous.” “Get out of my office.” “I was really thinking Morgan Freeman can play the mentor character.” “…and make this damn movie!”

The Performance: Essentially, there is no way this movie could fail. The whole point of the movie is that veteran CIA agents kill lots of random dudes. This scenario requires getting experienced actors that the audience really wants to see kick some ass. All of the headline stars had a lot of fun with this film. At this point, Bruce Willis could probably bust out one of these movies during the commercial breaks of a TV showing of Die Hard. John Malkovich is fantastic because he doesn’t know how to act without being anything else. Helen Mirren is lovable and is very convincing as the former badass spy agent. The younger stars are fine but their elders show them up at every opportunity. Mary-Louise Parker gets kidnapped a lot and stands there looking helpless in every scene. Finally, Morgan Freeman’s role isn’t what you think it is. That’s all I’m going to say.

Other Thoughts: This film has one of the most badass scenes Bruce Willis has ever done. Maybe you didn’t hear me. This movie has one of the most badass scenes BRUCE WILLIS has ever done. You will know it when you see it. The plot doesn’t matter at all. I’d just waste time outlining it.

Final Verdict: Kids These Days–They’re running every which way and having too much fun. Back in my day, we had drama and comedy without sacrificing drama. Our plots actually went somewhere, dagnabit! Explosions and witty banter and all your fancy gunplay make you lazy. I don’t get these new fangled movies that you hafta see for the performances. I’m gonna see this, but I don’t think any of these beloved actors will be remembered for it.

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About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

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