Ke$ha Rewrites Alma Mater

In a startling move, Penn State President Graham Spanier auctioned off the rights to the Alma Mater this morning. The highest bidder was renowned STD collector and 3rd grade spelling bee runner-up, Ke$ha. Ke$ha has rewritten the Alma Mater and named her creation “Eye <3 P$V.” It is currently available for purchase on iTunes.

The new Alma Mater has drawn criticism from many groups who find offense with the F-word appearing 37 times. Local animal rights groups and churches have also criticized the song, as it vividly describes doing things to the Nittany Lion that can’t be repeated in polite company. The English department has also questioned the two misspellings present in the three word title.

“Eye <3 P$V” has yet to be performed at any PSU-sanctioned event. The Blue Band assures Onward State that a method to actually perform Auto-Tune with wind instruments is being attempted.

When asked for comment on the controversy surrounding the new Alma Mater, Spanier had this to say:

My advisers inform me that alumni are unhappy with the new Alma Mater and that it somehow damages the rich tradition here at Penn State. Personally, whenever alumni say anything, all I hear are cash registers going off in my head. I want to assure them that tuition will go up and Ke$ha has promised me that PSU’s rich tradition of dangerous alcoholism is present in the Alma Mater.

When asked about the complaints targeted toward the song, Ke$ha vomited on my shoes as a live raccoon jumped out of her hair and attacked.

Your ad blocker is on.

Please choose an option below.

Sign up for our e-mail newsletter:
Support quality journalism:
Purchase a Subscription!

About the Author

John Dempsey

John is a Junior majoring in Journalism from Hazleton, PA. He is so awesome that sharks dedicate a week to him.
Likes: Video games, vigilante justice, irony, talking bears, Burt Reynolds, El Chupacabra, coloring books, chainsaws, and Australians.
Dislikes: Zombies, clowns, zombie clowns, turtleneck sweaters, Apple, poor mustache grooming, nuclear winter, Roman architecture, guacamole, robots, LCD TVs, the color yellow, Velcro, ceiling fans, sprinklers, tornadoes, Belgians, squat thrusts, and romantic comedies.

Retired Marine To Professor: How Colonel Jake Graham Has Immersed Himself In Penn State Community

After 26 years of service with the Marines, Graham works as a professor, lab director, and coach at Penn State.

Penn State Softball Season Ended By Texas State In NCAA Regionals

A sixth inning grand slam was too much for the Nittany Lions to overcome.

Penn State Baseball To Face Illinois In Big Ten Tournament

The Nittany Lions will take on the Illini at 7 p.m. on Tuesday in Omaha, Nebraska.

Other posts by John

The 3 Keys to Never Graduating

It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer when it feels like it and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there exist among us the ones that dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very smugly. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.

Playboy Says PSU is 2nd Best at Partying

PSU Presses Start on Video Game Class