In a startling move, Penn State President Graham Spanier auctioned off the rights to the Alma Mater this morning. The highest bidder was renowned STD collector and 3rd grade spelling bee runner-up, Ke$ha. Ke$ha has rewritten the Alma Mater and named her creation “Eye <3 P$V.” It is currently available for purchase on iTunes.

The new Alma Mater has drawn criticism from many groups who find offense with the F-word appearing 37 times. Local animal rights groups and churches have also criticized the song, as it vividly describes doing things to the Nittany Lion that can’t be repeated in polite company. The English department has also questioned the two misspellings present in the three word title.

“Eye <3 P$V” has yet to be performed at any PSU-sanctioned event. The Blue Band assures Onward State that a method to actually perform Auto-Tune with wind instruments is being attempted.

When asked for comment on the controversy surrounding the new Alma Mater, Spanier had this to say:

My advisers inform me that alumni are unhappy with the new Alma Mater and that it somehow damages the rich tradition here at Penn State. Personally, whenever alumni say anything, all I hear are cash registers going off in my head. I want to assure them that tuition will go up and Ke$ha has promised me that PSU’s rich tradition of dangerous alcoholism is present in the Alma Mater.

When asked about the complaints targeted toward the song, Ke$ha vomited on my shoes as a live raccoon jumped out of her hair and attacked.