At 2:28 this morning, State College Police apprehended the infamous Nookie Monster, heading east on Curtin Road on his way back to Medlar Field. Police found 750 grams of chocolate chip cookies stuffed in his mouth, and he is now the primary suspect for Thursday's cookie heist at West Commons.
This week, students have been puzzled by unexplained chalk writings all over campus. The mystery was finally solved today as the typo was corrected. Apparently, a terrible cell phone connection led to the message being distorted, resulting in incredibly vague warnings. The actual goal was to rectify the abysmally low amount of undercover bear awareness.
The warnings have been traced to a group calling itself The Grizzly Truth, who claim that the low awareness of disguised bears leaves students extremely vulnerable. A representative from the group said that, in the midst of a budget crisis, students tend to forget that bears may be hidden among them. The chalk writings inspire self-reflection and make students aware that their loved ones may be bears in disguise.
Ever get a craving for frozen yogurt but are too lazy to head downtown to one the four frozen yogurt shops on College Avenue? No need to fret - soon you will be able to get your fro-yo fix on campus!
In a startling move, Penn State President Graham Spanier auctioned off the rights to the Alma Mater this morning. The highest bidder was renowned STD collector and 3rd grade spelling bee runner-up, Ke$ha. Ke$ha has rewritten the Alma Mater and named her creation “Eye <3 P$V.” It is currently available for purchase on iTunes.
"ARE YOU AWARE?" It's the question that has been asked to thousands of Penn State students this week via chalk messages and flyers across campus, yet we are unsure how to answer with anything other than "of what?".