Sober and Frat-less: A Greek’s Guide To State Patty’s Day
It’s official. There’s no way around it. As far as us Greeks are concerned, there is no State Patty’s Day for us. The IFC and the Panhellenic Council have made it abundantly clear that they will not be tolerating any form of inebriated fun this weekend, and have cruel and unusual punishments prepared should we try to defy them. So, what other options do we have this weekend? Let me list the ways we can enjoy our non-State Patty’s Day weekend:
- Embrace being hungover like you’ve never embraced being hungover before. You have nothing to do today. Seriously. Nothing. There’s no game to tailgate for, no daylongs to attend, not even a social tonight to think about getting ready for. So abuse your Netflix account and lay in your bed for a record breaking amount of time. It’s the best decision you’ll make all semester. But most importantly, get so belligerent on Friday night that you won’t even want to think about being a real human on Saturday.
- Read your creed. Yeah, I don’t know. This is far fetched, but I guess while you curse out IFC for ruining your fun, maybe you’ll find some inspiration by rereading why exactly you pledged in the first place?
- Wash your hair. If you’re choosing the option of laying in bed hungover, then you probably need to take a shower in the first place. Plus, this is the lamest excuse in the book that doesn’t get nearly enough action.
- #OccupyTheWaffleShop. Order some chocolate chip pancakes, wear your letters and show everyone how responsible you’re being. Maybe sneak in some Bailey’s to dump in your coffee. Just kidding. Kind of.
- Go to Taco Bell. Nothing says I’m sober and self loathing like a crunch wrap supreme.
- File your taxes. You still have time!! Do it now!!
- Try E in preparation for Dayglow. Thinking about rolling? Take a test drive this weekend to see if you can handle it, because if you can’t, it’s only gonna be 10x weirder when you’re covered in paint. Have lots of water around!
- Library daylong. If you’re not a catatonic, hungover slob, you might as well get yourself to the library and get some work done. Spring break is only days away people! So write that paper while visions of Puerto Vallarta dance in your head.
- Crash geed parties. This is one of the more ballsy moves to make, because although you may not be having a social, you’re still contributing to the general State Patty’s mayhem. But hey! You’re a free bitch, am I right? So creep your way into Cedarbrook, walk towards the loudest room and rub some elbows! You can probably out drink all of them anyway, so you’ll drink twice as much of their alcohol before they even notice.
- Iron your pinnies. It’s almost daylong season–Get ready!
And if none of this appeals to you, I guess just go home or something. Whatever.
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About the Author
Do you yearn for cigarette ash-dusted grilled cheeses from “quintessential shithole” Grillers? Or a night out at G-Man with your old frat bros? Or have evenings of drinking felt incomplete ever since Canyon moved across Beaver and got rid of its sticky blue picnic tables?
It’s hard not to draw parallels between this year’s lacrosse team and a couple other Nittany Lion teams that have used the City of Brotherly Love as a launching pad to sustained success.
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