“Why Wasn’t Dane Cook’s New Movie Nominated For Any Oscars?”

Sup, Bromosexuals? Chad here again, and this time I’m angry. I’m sure a lot of you saw the Oscars this past Sunday. You may have been asking yourself this past week, “Man, those Oscars were really lame! Why hasn’t Chad of Onward State commented on them?” To be completely honest, I have been just so full of rage this past week due to the travesties at the Oscars that I haven’t been able to form a coherent sentence since Sunday. I’ve also been training myself for State Patty’s Day by drinking a 12 pack every day, but that’s another post.

As I watched the Oscars, I became increasingly more dismayed. I had not paid any attention to the nominees before the event (movies usually aren’t my thing, you know?) But as the night progressed, I realized that Dane Cook’s new movie, My Best Friend’s Girl, was not up for a single award. Not one. Why????

Dane Cook is hilarious. He’s the funniest comedian out there, hands down. Only Carlos Mencia comes close, really. And this movie does not disappoint. It has everything: Dane Cook, a funny script, and even that guy who had sex with the pie in that one movie. I don’t see how a human alive could not love that movie (the scene where Dane Cook shaves Mr. Pie Lover’s eyebrow off was among my top comedy moments of all time).

Some movie called Slumdog Millionaire won most of the awards that night. Now I haven’t seen that movie, but the title makes no sense. Who wants to watch some dog try to get a million dollars? Why would a slumdog millionaire live in the slums? What does a dog need with money anyway? The whole movie reeks of confusion, and I have no intention of ever seeing it in my life.

This just proves that the Academy that chooses the Oscar winners are bigots against humor. When was the last time a funny movie won an Oscar? Million Dollar Baby? Now THAT was a hilarious movie. Women thinking they can box? I nearly spit up my protein shake just thinking about it. Anyway, my point is that the Oscars should recognize comic genius when they see it. Enough of this bias toward slumdogs! Why do they deserve the love and affection of millions? Ponder these questions, and while you’re doing that, ponder your life. It’s what I did while watching My Best Friend’s Girl.

Until next time, peace.

[Photo courtesty of flickr.com]