Top 6 Places Not to Go for Spring Break
As most of you probably know, next week is Spring Break. If you’re the typical hard-working Penn State student, you left last Friday. For everyone else out there, it is time to start packing the beach clothes, beach balls, beach thongs, and beach kegs. Before saying goodbye to Penn State and paying hundreds of dollars to get drunk not in Pennsylvania, you should consider where exactly you want to go. Or more importantly, where you definitely DON’T want to go.
1. The HUB
So you’re stuck in State College while everyone else is at the beach boning your sister. It isn’t all bad. You can mosey on over to the HUB and go to Sbarro or Panda Express and pretend like you aren’t lame and went somewhere. Oh, it’s closed? You’re on your own.
2. Libya
Besides all that hoopla going on in countries that I may or may not have known existed prior to the recent media coverage, this one takes the crazy cake. Muammar Gaddafi was #4 on Cracked’s list of cartoonishly evil politicians back in December. There’s also the whole revolution thing going on. It’s the bad kind of revolution with blood and death and not the one with purple rain.
3. Sandals Resorts
Sure, everyone likes resorts. Unlimited drinks and lots of sun. But I’m not as much of a fan of being surrounded by horny middle-aged couples in the Caribbean. Best go somewhere else.
4. The Bermuda Triangle
This one is an oldie but a goodie. The Devil’s Triangle is a place where aircraft and sea vessels enter and are never heard from again. Nobody knows what happens and no one cares to find out. It’s sort of like the non-football sports at Penn State.
5. Chernobyl
Who wouldn’t want to spend Spring Break in the Ukraine? The Chernobyl disaster was the worst nuclear power plant accident in the history of the universe. The radiation there is so intense that you may literally bleed blue and white after visiting. On the upside, letting radiation go to town on your DNA could permanently turn your skin orange. I hear that’s popular at Spring Break.
6. New Jersey
You really shouldn’t go to any place that makes you long for the politeness of New Yorkers. It’s also here because NJ is home to the most crime-ridden city in the U.S., Camden. The violent crime rate there is 5 times the national average. Because of this, Camden has earned the nickname of “Almost as bad as State Patty’s” from State College residents.
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The 3 Keys to Never Graduating
It is that time of year again. The weather is getting warmer when it feels like it and we switch to shorter pants just as the insects begin to multiply. It is a magical time of year that some of us will see for the last time in State College. For those lucky few, not going to class this week is a sign of maturity. With a college degree ensured, the world awaits you. Unless you’re in the Liberal Arts, of course. Then, your mother’s couch awaits you. However, there exist among us the ones that dare to take it to the next level. The ones that can’t get enough binge drinking, construction, and parking citations. The ones that will never graduate. How do they do it? Very, very smugly. These are the keys to never leaving Penn State.