Some of State College’s downtown businesses aren’t advertised well enough, BUT here are some marketing ploys they could use to get our attention and subsequently throw us into a panic.

People’s Nation

People’s Nation does not align itself with any government state. It’s the only place in this jerkwater town where you actually have some FREEDOM for Christ’s sake. You can get a Che t-shirt in black OR red. You can make a snide remark about something if you feel like it. You can steal a postcard! People’s Nation is whatever YOU, the people, want it to be. Why “Americans” don’t come from far and wide to experience this remote sense of liberty, we may never know. But, oh well! More bacon wallets for us!

Baby’s Burgers and Shakes

In 1952, Annette “Baby” Winters was truly the talk of the town. An extrovert and celebrated philanthropist, Baby held State College together with her wit, charm, and inexplicably endless milkshakes at hand for the kids. During the summer of her 20^th year, Baby put her inherent business tactics to use, and thus, “Baby’s Burgers and Shakes” was born. The restaurant now remains a State College landmark, as well as the location of Baby’s death in 1995. Rumor has it that if you sit in the far booth after closing, you can still hear Baby whistling her favorite tune, Bo Diddley’s “Bo Diddley.”

Jamaica Junction

Upon entering Jamaica Junction, you’ll be greeted by one of our character actors in authentic dreadlocks and shorts. All actors have undergone training at Ford Model and Acting Agency to alter their body temperatures at will, and run consistently around a snug 100.2° F throughout the year. If you go downstairs, you can visit the quarters where the actors live. But if you happen to spot one out of character, don’t speak to him/her, as verbal interaction between civilians and workers goes against Junction protocol. After the tour, you can buy a drug in the gift shop, or silently accept a meal from one of our workers, free of charge!

Barefoot

When you walk into Barefoot for the first time, you’ll probably be thinking about how much it SUCKS to be, well, barefoot! You’ll read the rustic store-front sign and say, “Ooh, that doesn’t sound good. Are children without shoes in there? What can I do to help?” You may even be barefoot yourself. The key here is the Barefoot-patented “Problem Recognition.” In order to fix the issue, we need to isolate it, and use uncensored imagery to instill it in the minds of responsible citizens. TOGETHER, WE CAN MAKE BAREFOOT FAMOUS IN 2012.

The Apple Tree

The Apple Tree – Abundant, fresh, iconic. Stop by today for an organic “Add ‘Shit’ to Famous Quotes” poster, or a sample whiff of our tapestry collection. Bite down on something! Come and go as you please, or hole up in here forever! For a little time and less than $5 a month, you can help us save The Apple Tree from the State College department of Parks and Recreation, who have had it out for us for years. WE ARE A TREE GOD DAMMIT AND WE WILL BE RECOGNIZED.

Ellie Skrzat (@EllieSkrzat) is a sophomore art major with a big heart. She has never been to Jamaica Junction.