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If Jim Harbaugh Were A Penn State Student…

Penn State is quite fortunate and maybe even a bit spoiled to have such an ultra-cool and hip coach like James Franklin. Sure, he has his quirks; he likes the color white a bit too much and has a compulsory obsession for saying opponents’ names, but overall, he’s pretty with it.

He’s known for ordering green drinks at the Jamba Juice in the HUB, always looking both sporty and immaculate on the sidelines, and having a classic team-focused, one-day-at-a-time mentality. He’s the type of guy who you’d want to come to your 21st birthday pregame so he can tell you that he wants “2 take the time 2 wish a member of OUR FAMILY Happy B-Day” or in a few years, attend your bye week nuptials.

Michigan fans don’t have that privilege with their head coach, the overly intense, loose-cannon goofball Jim Harbaugh. To get an idea how bizarre Harbaugh is, we took a hypothetical trip into this alternate universe and asked the frightening question, how would he fit in with Penn State students?

He’d use Classic Mode on LionPATH.

Harbaugh is really good at settling for third-best, so it’d be on brand for him to favor the archaic version of LionPATH over the fresher, faster, cooler, prettier, and better version.

He’d be the annoying neighbor in East who always wants to have a sleepover…

If that’s his way of landing recruits, then it must be how he made friends back in college. Had he not committed to play for the Wolverines, you could expect that Harbaugh would’ve been knocking on your door every night 35 years ago asking if “u up?”

As Franklin has shown us, getting a good night’s sleep is a much more effective way to take care of your body and win Big Ten titles, something Harbaugh knows nothing about.

When you inevitably turned down his offer every night, he probably would’ve gotten back at you each time by playing his piccolo off key all night long.

…and the frat bro who can’t keep his shirt on at the Phyrst…

“Jim, no one wants to see — aw, screw it. Too late.”

Plus, if those pleats don’t scream pledge, I don’t know what would.

Not pictured: Shortly after, Harbaugh is forcibly removed from the Phyrst after refusing to put his shirt back on.

…and the weirdo in Forum munching on his own boogers.

We get it that it’s nearly impossible to make it up Mt. Shortlidge to your 8 a.m. on time, but that doesn’t mean breakfast can’t wait until after class, Jim!

He’d also order two flavors at the Creamery.

Leave it to Jim Harbaugh to be the worst possible type of libertine you could be, by asking for Peachy Paterno AND Bittersweet Mint (We think it’s because it looks like boogers.) TOGETHER. We get that Jimbo is a well-known figurehead for various reasons, but he’s no President Clinton and certainly doesn’t command the same privilege.

This would all probably happen moments after Harbaugh tried to show off by superciliously (Did you know he graduated from the No. 1 public university in the nation?) stating the little known factoid that the lettering of the Rodney Erickson Food Sciences Building is made out of the melted down Joe Paterno statue. After all, he read it on Onward State.

Once again, watch his reaction after not only being refused his heretical ice cream, but being corrected by literally anyone else in line not named Donald Trump.

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About the Author

Anthony Colucci

Anthony Colucci was once Onward State’s managing editor and preferred walk-on honors student who majored in psychology and public relations. Despite being from the make-believe land of Central Jersey, he was never a Rutgers fan. If you ever want to know how good Saquon Barkley's ball security is, ask Anthony what happened when he tried to force a fumble at the Mifflin Streak. If you want to hear the story or are bored and want to share prequel memes, follow @_anthonycolucci on Twitter or email him at [email protected]. All other requests and complaints should be directed to Onward State media contact emeritus Steve Connelly.

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