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The Best UPUA Election Write-Ins, 2018 Edition

The University Park Undergraduate Association changed its Elections Code this year to mandate all “write-in” candidates must still register with the Elections Commission. Despite only one executive ticket running for president and vice president this year, no significant write-in campaigns sprouted over the few weeks of the campaigning period. But that didn’t stop y’all.

Write-in votes for the executive ticket totaled 229, while 951 write-in votes were cast for at-large representatives. No academic representative position received significant write-in votes, besides the College of Nursing, which actually had a registered write-in candidate in the race (hi @George Samuel). Without further ado, we bring to you, the best write-ins of UPUA’s 13th Assembly election, presented by category:

Aaron Martinez (sometimes with running mate Brian Failor)

This student received so many write-in votes that we double-checked with the Elections Commission to see if he was actually registered as a candidate. He wasn’t.

Thomas Andrews (with Mike Zula or Sarah Hanson)

He may not have won the UPUA election, but he was still named the THON 2019 Merchandise Director.

Gordy Bonker

It’s unclear here whether you folks want Gordy Bonker himself or just his bandana. I spent a long time thinking this was a Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide joke, but I’ve been assured that it’s not. I’m more confused than ever. MY student body president is the one who catches the weasel.

Saquon Barkley or his offspring

If you didn’t vote for Saquon Barkley, you probably voted for his unborn child. But should the vice presidential candidate be the Joe Paterno statue or Randy Jackson? Either way, it’s a yes from me, dawg.

Tony Carr

It’s worth noting this election was held before the Nittany Lions won the NIT Championship, and also before Tony Carr declared for the 2018 NBA Draft. As far as presidential hopes go, those two things probably cancel each other out. Shep Garner got one vote of his own.

Celebrities

  • Barack and Joe
  • Beyonce and the twins
  • Carson Wentz and Nick Foles
  • Donald J Trump
  • Reagan/Bush
  • Richard Nixon and Spiro Agnew
  • Anakin Skywalker
  • DJ Khaled
  • Gandalf the White
  • Jimmy Buffett
  • Optimus Prime
  • Tony the Tiger

Penn State references

  • Guy Gadowsky’s hair
  • Eric Barron and James Franklin
  • @PJC4PENNSTATE
  • Thomas Henry Burrowes
  • Willard preacher
  • Yallah Burrito

At least you made us laugh

  • Deez nuts
  • Frick Jenkins Big Iron Pro-Am Thirst-Quenching Tournament of Nonsense
  • Half eaten sandwich and a bag of chips
  • When I Was AND A Young Boy
  • Szechuan Broccoli
  • And finally, a classic: your mom

First person statements

  • I am only 6′ 1/2″
  • I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. I gave her freedom, but I taught her never to dishonor her family. She found a boyfriend, not an Italian. She went to the movies with him. She stayed out late. I didn’t protest. Two months ago he took her for a drive, with another boy friend. They made her drink whiskey and then they tried to take advantage of her. She resisted. She kept her honor. So they beat her. Like an animal. When I went to
  • I didn’t want to get into trouble.
  • I hope you’re done soon
  • I love the Eagles
  • I understand. You found paradise in America, you had a good trade, you made a good living. The police protected you and there were courts of law. You didn’t need a friend like me. But, now you come to me, and you say: “Don Corleone, give me justice.” But you don’t ask with respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me Godfather. Instead, you come into my house on the day my daughter is to be married, and you ask me to do murder for money.
  • I’m Jack Titus and f*** your pride.

Air Bud

Really, any Air Bud. All of the following tallied at-large votes:

  • Air Bud
  • Air Bud: Golden Receiver
  • Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch
  • Air Bud: Spikes Back
  • Air Bud: World Pup

Formal The-s

  • the
  • The City of Pittsburgh
  • The Corgi that won the presidency at Michigan State
  • The Notorious VPL
  • The Snack that Smiles Back
  • The Statue
  • The Swedish Chef
  • The Thompson Hall pizza slice from 2015

Former UPUA-ers

  • Anand Ganjam
  • Bring Back Terry Ford (or, alternatively, Terry Ford’s Jewish cousin, Jerry Seinford)
  • Emily Miller
  • Emily McDonald
  • Garrett Warmbein
  • Jenn Heckman
  • Johnna Purcell
  • Kevin Horne
  • Ryan Valencia
  • Tim Farley

Oh, okay

  • According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.
  • Apple bottom jeans (jeans) Boots with the fur (with the fur) The whole club was lookin
  • Applebee’s Half Off appetizers are antithetical to democracy
  • Bags Fly Free at Southwest Airlines
  • Bevin Borne lives in the Old Main bell tower
  • Canoe Creek State Park
  • Cigs outside the Library
  • Extend HUB dining hours
  • Freaky Friday by Lil Dicky
  • Isaac Will deserves justice for the atrocities committed to him
  • Kelsey Antonchak says please appeal Sarah’s parking ticket
  • To all who come to this happy place; welcome. Disneyland is your land. Here age relives fond memories of the past…and here youth may savor the challenge and promise of the future. Disneyland is dedicated to the ideals, the dreams and the hard facts that have created America…with the hope that it will be a source of joy and inspiration to all the world.
  • We’ve known each other many years, but this is the first time you ever came to me for counsel or for help. I can’t remember the last time that you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child. But let’s be frank here. You never wanted my friendship. And, uh, you were afraid to be in my debt.

Is this a Lambs joke?

  • “Hey look,Troy is on!” “Yanni put your shirt back on!”
  • Yanni Balouris and Nick Pazuchanics
  • Yannist Abe
  • Paz will never EVER see a boob
  • Sam Panko’s anime edited picture
  • Sam Panko’s left shoe
  • Tommy Slotcavage’s Onesies

And four votes for Lou Boccia, but somehow none for Lou Bega. You’re better than this.

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About the Author

Elissa Hill

Elissa was the managing editor of Onward State from 2017-2019. She is from Punxsutawney, PA [insert corny Bill Murray joke here] and considers herself an expert on all things ice cream. Follow her on Twitter (@ElissaKHill) for more corny jokes.

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