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Staff Picks: What’s Actually Under The Old Main Scaffolding?

Ever since the Old Main bell tower’s restoration project started in May to “extend its life as an iconic landmark,” the once picture-perfect campus symbol has turned into a bit of an eyesore. In fact, the construction likely played a role in College Gameday’s decision to relocate to the HUB Lawn for Penn State football’s showdown with Michigan.

The mystery surrounding this extended construction project got us thinking: What’s actually going on underneath all that scaffolding? Some of our staffers offered up ideas about the truth behind the construction.

Anthony Fiset: Quasimodo Just Vibing

Quasimodo has been looking for a new home ever since the Notre Dame Cathedral’s roof was set ablaze in April. Fortunately, he has found that home in Happy Valley under the Old Main bell tower scaffolding. Here, he lives out his days with a Disney-personified JoePa statue. No phones in sight. Just a hunchback and a statue living in the moment, vibing.

Allegedly, Quasimodo was spotted earlier this year checking out the scene, so this idea isn’t too unreasonable.

Ryan Parsons: A Christmas Tree

If you were one of 10 people who noticed the color changing light on top of Old Main last week, then you should get behind me here. Penn State is absolutely planning a giant holiday surprise, and the university showed its hand by accidentally turning on one of the Christmas lights just a few days ago.

My guess is there also plans to have a giant menorah and a giant kinara for Hanukkah and Kwanzaa under there too. Want further proof? The university has said that the project will be “months long,” and December is months after May.

Makes. You. Think.

Michael Tauriello: A Condom Balloon

While condom balloons may have only made an appearance on the field at one game this season, Penn State fans can all agree that they made Saturday’s game all the more entertaining.

Hopefully, after restoration, Penn State students can bask in the glorious balloon condom that has replaced the bell tower. Plus, what better way to fight back against the Willard Preacher’s beliefs regarding the use of condoms than to make him look at one for his entire shift?

Noah Rogers: President Barron’s Penthouse

The bell tower is absolutely going to be replaced with sleek glass paneling, through which Barron can oversee campus under a watchful eye, maybe even equipped with a big telescope. My guess is either that or a secret “club.”

Mikey Mandarino: A Maniac

Weeeeee woooo… weeeeeeee woooooo… weeee woo…

I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I think there just might be a maniac among us. My theory is that Penn State university officials caught said maniac and needed a place to keep him locked up. This maniac is too dangerous to keep in the university police’s holding cell, so he needed to be pushed somewhere else.

If you listen closely in the middle of the night, you can actually hear the maniac’s shriek coming from the Old Main Bell Tower. And he spends his days just standing in the scaffolding… menacingly!

Lauren Wysseier: The JoePa Statue

With the uncertainty behind what’s happening under the Old Main construction scaffolding, another uncertainty comes to mind: Where’s the Joe Paterno statue?!

Could Penn State be waiting to reveal the statue on top of Old Main at the end of this “construction?” This would certainly be a surprise to all those wondering where the JoePa statue is hiding on campus.

Will Pegler: Definitely The JoePa Statue

Folks, Penn State’s most prized possession has been found. Why has this ugly scaffolding been on top of Old Main all semester? It’s because the administration is hiding the JoePa statue from us. That beautiful piece of artwork has been hiding under our noses for all these years, and it’s officially up for grabs.

If you’re confident enough, I suggest climbing to top of Old Main to claim the statue yourself. Godspeed, Penn Staters, one of you may have an all-time decoration for your room soon. (Editor’s Note: Don’t do this. It’s probably not safe.)

Ryen Gailey: Yeah, The JoePa Statue

I’m almost positive the Joe Paterno statue is underneath the Old Main scaffolding. I believe it’ll be revealed in celebration if Penn State manages to secure a spot in the College Football Playoff this season.

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Staff

Posts from the all-student staff of Onward State.

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